Today Iâ€™m going to talk about wanting to be sick.
I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ve talked about this before.Â Itâ€™s hard to be sure, since when Iâ€™m usually writing about being sick, Iâ€™m in the throes of being sick and, if youâ€™ve ever been thrown-around by sickness yourself, then you know that your mind, at that time, is usually as transparent as a fog bank.
Now, Iâ€™m not sick anymore.Â Or so Iâ€™m pretty sure.Â I feel a little weak, still, and my bodyâ€™s processes are a little wonky, and Iâ€™m still coughing.Â But not as much.Â And not as long.
But, overall, Iâ€™m not sick anymore.
Believe it or not, there was a time when I wanted to be sick.
Iâ€™m pretty sure youâ€™ll believe it because this time I speak of was during grade school and when you were a kid you probably had similar dreams of sick days.Â You know, those dreams where youâ€™d get to stay at home and read or watch television or play video games, and when the bell rang and all your friends were released from schoolâ€™s chains, youâ€™d rush outside and join in their reindeer games.
Because, by then, youâ€™d be miraculously better.
Amazingly, I remember some sick days actually being like this. (Whether these remembered days were fever dreams themselves has yet to be determined.)
More often, I know, I would lay in my bed in a room with the shades drawn under the hulking bulk of the top bunk with a vomit bowl for company.
Since Iâ€™ve been on my own â€“ Iâ€™d mark this point as going to college â€“ I have emphatically not desired to be sick.Â For one thing, there was nothing that sickness allowed me to avoid that I couldnâ€™t avoid on my own.Â If I didnâ€™t want to go to class, well, there was no one forcing me to.Â If I didnâ€™t want to go to work, I could simply not show up, or I could try and get my shift covered by someone else.Â If I didnâ€™t want to turn in a paper because I didnâ€™t have it done, I could just not turn it in (though, to be honest, this trend started before I graduated from high school).
Of course, all of these choices have consequences.
And I suppose thatâ€™s where the desire for sickness comes in when young.Â If I have a fever, I canâ€™t be held responsible for not showing up at school, and a note from my mom or dad or a doctor â€“ the ultimate authority â€“ means that all my personal responsibility is erased.Â There are no consequences.
Correction: There were no consequences.